Payson's Birth Story Part 3: Birth Center

**Birth video at the end of the post**

Wednesday, April 4, 2018, 9:30am

Of all the possible birth situations I had prepared myself for, I had never even considered the possibility of delivering my baby in the car. My birth center was only five minutes away. It hadn't even crossed my mind as possible.

And yet here we were-- zooming down the freeway toward the other birth center. The one I hadn't planned on delivering at.

At first the panic sent me rigidly twisting around in my seat belt, fighting contractions, and feeling intense discomfort. It was impossible to get comfortable in the car. I was slipping into the fear tension pain cycle. Again.

NO. NOT AGAIN. NOT TODAY. NOPE, NOPE, DOUBLE NOPE.

Suddenly, my internal Ina May took over. I began to embrace the idea of having my baby in the car. I knew I’d be okay. I let peace back in. I accepted that there was simply nothing we could do for the next thirty minutes. If I had learned anything from the last nine hours of labor, it was that choosing to relax was so much better than being tense. I kept my eyes on the digital car clock. I focused on letting my contractions come and go easily and naturally. It was intense, but I was intensely focused on relaxing. Within minutes the rocking of the car became soothing. The idea of birthing my baby right here, just like this, became inviting.

I can do this. If baby comes in the car, no big deal. Babies are born in cars (and worse places) all the time. I will be okay, baby will be okay. I am not afraid of birth; I was born to do this. I can do this.

The tension left my muscles. I felt the rhythm of the contractions ebb and flow through my body. I was more than a little surprised when I started feeling the urge to push as we came within a few miles of the birth center.

Let me explain it like this-- trying not to push is like trying to hold in a sneeze. It's gonna happen whether you want it to or not.

It was so strange. I wondered how far I was actually dilated. What if I got to the birth center and I was only dilated to a 6? The thought exhausted me. I couldn’t keep going for much longer. My energy was low.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018, 10am

As we parked the car I didn’t want to get out. We sat there for a few minutes-- me trying to cope with continuous contractions, the urge to push, and trying to figure out how to walk with so many sensations firing through my body-- David doing everything he could to help.

These transitional moments were agony.  There's no other way to put it. Hobbling and clutching David we slowly made it all the way from the parking lot, UP THE STAIRS (oh why were there STAIRS at this birth center???), and down the long hall to our birthing room.

The first face I saw was Tara's, my birth photographer and former roommate. I was so happy to see a familiar face, another pillar of support. I tried to shoot her a smile like everything was okay but I definitely felt the smile crumple into pain as another contraction hit.

My midwife Crystal met me in the door I could tell she knew I was in late labor. There wasn’t a question now. I was finding it difficult to respond and I felt like I was in my own world.

Cervical check revealed that I was already dilated to a 9, and I couldn’t resist the urge to push any longer. I wanted in the tub.

Already filled and deliciously warm, I crawled in. I was feeling so, so pushy. I NEEDED TO PUSH, AND I NEEDED TO PUSH---RIGHT NOW.

Welp. I got in the tub and three super embarrassing things happened:

Number one: I.... pooped.

IN MY OWN BATH WATER.

Involuntarily and immediately.

I know, I know, it doesn't sound like that big of a deal-- everyone poops during labor, I'd heard the stories. But I hadn't planned on it. I never saw poop floating around the tub in any of the natural birth videos I'd watched. Besides, I had been puking and pooping all last night during labor and surely-- SURELY-- I had nothing left inside me.

Wrong.

It just kept coming.

How?!

It was so frustrating to want to push a baby out and to only be pushing poop out! I couldn’t believe how much my body could poop.

Sorry. Totally TMI, but it happened. I'm keeping this real, okay?

My idea of basking calmly in a warm bath while I gave birth was obliterated by the fact that I was swimming in my own poop. My midwife was great though. She told me it happens to everyone and scooped most of it out with a net. Oh the things midwives do... Oh how I love them.

Number two: Besides pooping, once I started pushing I somehow morphed into a dinosaur.

Seriously. The sounds coming out of my mouth were shocking.

The best way I can describe it is that it sounded like a dinosaur roar. I didn’t even know I could make those sorts of sounds. I even caught David trying not to laugh a few times. My photographer was pretty wide-eyed. It was her first time photographing a birth and I was definitely scaring her. Amid my roaring from the tub, I hoped I wasn’t leaving her with a bad impression of natural birth.

But the roaring felt good, and I’d lost any sense of bashfulness or modesty at this point and really didn’t care what anyone thought.

Number three: I lost all inhibition. Is this even an embarrassing thing? Maybe it's not. Actually it was an awesome thing. This was the point in labor when I started to be 100% myself. My filter came off and I started having my own sort of hilarious party amid the suffering. Ina May said, “If you can't be a hero, you can at least be funny while being a chicken.”

That quote described my life perfectly as I sat pooping, roaring, and ranting things like:

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”

“This baby is an only child.”

“I’m never doing this again.”

"Can we please pause? I need a nap."

"OH MY GOSH HOW MUCH LONGER IS IT GOING TO TAKE?!"

"You have to help me." (idk who I directed this one at-- probably myself)

"... I am going to die."

Etc, etc, etc...

I was just saying things to say them at this point. I just wanted to feel the words bounce off my tongue. And it distracted me from the heavy feeling of baby descending lower and lower. Let me just say this-- you are never more yourself than when you are in labor. For me that meant extreme expressiveness. I had to say ALLL THHHEEE THHIINNGGSS.

After about 45 minutes of pooping, roaring, and ranting, I couldn't find a comfortable position in the tub. I gave up and wanted out. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to stand, squat, and use the birth stool (I know, so medieval, right?).

Oh, and yes, the pooping continued even out of the tub. (I knew you were curious about that.)

We were alternating listening to music and hypnobabies. David never left my side for a second. I was focused on getting baby out and he was totally focused on me. He instinctively knew how to touch, when to talk, and how to help. I could not have done it without him. He was husband, doula, midwife, and friend. I was half following hypnobabies, and half doing my own thing as I felt baby engage in the birth canal. OH MY GOSH I FELT SO HEAVY AND ACHY AND FULL! I used what worked for me from hypnobabies and let my body do what it wanted.

The hardest thing was that by this point I was so tired I almost felt like I was sleep walking. I’d been up all night and hadn’t eaten since about 6pm the day before. I felt weak. I was exhausted. I wanted sleep so bad.

My midwives kept me drinking coconut water (which was hard for me to drink because the taste was gross to me) and had me suck on some honey sticks for energy which I appreciated, but I really didn’t want to eat anything in labor. (Again, RIP to my labor snack box)

Finally, I had next to nothing left. I simply couldn't squat, stand, or sit anymore. I was so tired. I just wanted to lay down. So I got on the bed and found a comfortable position (on my back holding one leg up) and pushed. HARD. I was over this labor thing and I decided baby was coming out NOW.

David was holding me and Crystal said "Oh my goodness you're really moving baby!" She called for the other midwives to come in and I kept pushing. My face was flushed and red, I was shaking with every push, visualizing baby moving down and out, and imagining my body softening and opening to let baby pass through. I've never used so much sheer force in my life. It was an absolutely incredible, powerful feeling.

The midwives and David were telling me to slow down, take a break-- but I couldn't stop! I didn't want to stop! Suddenly I was ecstatic! I had all the energy in the world! I could feel EXACTLY where baby was and was saying things like:

“This is the funnest thing I’ve done all day!”

"This is incredible!"

“I’m going to freaking push this baby out!”

I know they use phrases like "Ring of Fire" to  (*cough* scare first-time mothers) describe the sensation of the perineum stretching as baby crowns, and yes, it burned, BUT IT WAS GOOD BURN. Like a workout high "feel the burn" and "burn so good" sensation! I  felt nothing at this point but pure, burning excitement. I was really moving baby with every push! My midwives couldn’t believe how fast baby was moving out! They told me to slow down multiple times, worried that I was going to tear, but again, can't stop, won't stop. I wanted baby out NOW. Baby was crowning.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018, 11:41am

And then with one big push at 11:41am after 12 hours of labor, I felt a little body leave mine— a crazy wonderful sliding, slippery sensation I’ll never forget. I instinctively reached down and pulled the baby to my chest. My hands will never forget the feeling of a soft, slippery, tiny, new, warm body in my hands. The second I saw my baby I thought “that is the longest baby I have ever seen.” Reaching out I felt testicles in the palm of my hand and yelled, “It’s a boy! He has testicles!”

We hadn't known the gender until he was born, but I had known my whole pregnancy that he was a boy.

I was so happy, I was so high, I was a flood of every positive emotion. I felt like I had all the energy in the universe. I felt the strongest I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt like I could do anything.

I had just done 12 hours of labor, no pain relief, no sleep. I remember holding my minute-old baby and thinking, “okay, I could totally do this again! I could do this again right now!"

You are never more yourself than when you are in labor. The highs, the lows, the whole experience. You find your weakest weak and your strongest strong. I have never felt my true capacity for joy until that morning holding my baby boy.

David was crying, Tara was crying, but I was too sky high for tears with my little boy on my chest. Everything was perfect in that moment. The morning light filling the room, the people surrounding me, my perfect baby on my chest. I couldn’t believe he was blonde. I had totally expected a dark haired baby!

He was 21 inches long, 7 pounds even. Born exactly on his due date. Long and skinny and oh so blonde. He was super alert and just looking around with big blue eyes. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

The moment overcame me. I made an announcement to everyone present. "I just want everyone here to know I love you! I love you all so much!"

Payson's birth was the most empowering thing I have ever done. Without question the best experience of my life. It was the climax and crowning event of my mortal life to that point.

I felt the high from his birth for months. And while I expected it to go away at some point, it hasn't. There is a fire in my soul that wasn't there until he was born. I was born that day just as much as he was. I found a part of my identity I didn't know existed. I found a new level of trust, love, and partnership with my husband. I found joy I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I found strength and tenderness I didn't know I had. I am grateful every day for those precious 12 hours of labor that brought my baby boy into the world.

Birth was the best thing that ever happened to me.

"Whenever and however you give birth, your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit for the rest of your life." -Ina May Gaskin