Joy in Mourning
In my times of bitter grief I’ve often questioned why they called Gods plan “The Plan of Happiness” because my personal experience is that it is infinitely more painful and miserable than happy— but what I’m learning
Alone with One
…The swing where Kalea should have been. The emptiness was too much for me. The grief came rushing back. What if her baby spirit was right there watching us push Payson? What if she was sitting in right there in that little swing? What if she was hoping and waiting for me to push her? Irrational as it was I walked over and started pushing the empty baby swing (sometimes grief is irrational)…
Jesus Stood Weeping
…If Christ had come a week later, it might have been Mary sharing her testimony and Martha in tears falling at His feet. We say “everyone grieves differently” and it’s true, but even within our own grief, we grieve differently day to day. Some days I find solace in reading scripture, and other days I can’t bring myself to even touch my scriptures. Some days it’s a gift to sit in wonder of the magnitude of Christ’s power over death. Other times, I want to hit the next person who says “families are forever”…
Where are you God?
…The complete wreckage of the last three years of my life flashed in my mind— Payson's 200+ seizures, his Dravet diagnosis, Kalea's unexpected death, the overwhelming grief, our rocky marriage. I coldly replied “Maybe I could use a little less blessings from the Lord right now.”
Hallelujah, nevertheless.
At first, I had so much grace in accepting both Payson's epilepsy and Kalea's death. Now as time moves on-- I've started looking around and wondering why I've been hit SO HARD…
7 Songs I've Had on Repeat Through My Loss
I started listening to Christian music on my mission several years ago. I thought when I came home I'd go back to listening to my old music... but I never did. I couldn't…