Tasked to Endure
“…despite the hard days, the days I cry until I have a headache, the nightmares, the trauma— life is (I say cautiously) good. Things are going well. We are happy. And maybe that’s a bit confusing. Because I can’t help but feel on edge. Like, alright, it’s been good and quiet for too long— what’s coming next? Grief lately feels like… “
Letting go
We could have held onto them standing out there on the dock— but we would have never seen what they were made to do. They were made to be released— to return to the sky and to bring light to the darkness…
Joy in Mourning
In my times of bitter grief I’ve often questioned why they called Gods plan “The Plan of Happiness” because my personal experience is that it is infinitely more painful and miserable than happy— but what I’m learning
It Would Be Weird If You Weren’t Depressed
…I sit patiently in the darkness and peer around until I find light. I let myself feel the lows and then I work with those feelings. This is the bright side of depression. That depression can actually be very…
Alone with One
…The swing where Kalea should have been. The emptiness was too much for me. The grief came rushing back. What if her baby spirit was right there watching us push Payson? What if she was sitting in right there in that little swing? What if she was hoping and waiting for me to push her? Irrational as it was I walked over and started pushing the empty baby swing (sometimes grief is irrational)…
Luck of the Irish
A friend texted me a few weeks after my baby passed away asking how I was holding up. I snapped this pic (no makeup, eyes perma-puffed shut from lack of sleep and crying) and sent it to her with the text "idk why but I find wearing…
Written in the stars, storms, or soil?
“Is it written in the stars? Are we paying for some crime? Is this all that we are good for— just a stretch of mortal time? Or some God’s experiment in which we have no say, in which we’re given paradise, but only for a day?
Blue Tape & Grief Exhaustion
…nothing on my to do list will get done today. …there will be blue tape on my walls for one more day. The tape is a striking reminder that we are in the middle of a life remodel. Today, things are left unfinished.
Jesus Stood Weeping
…If Christ had come a week later, it might have been Mary sharing her testimony and Martha in tears falling at His feet. We say “everyone grieves differently” and it’s true, but even within our own grief, we grieve differently day to day. Some days I find solace in reading scripture, and other days I can’t bring myself to even touch my scriptures. Some days it’s a gift to sit in wonder of the magnitude of Christ’s power over death. Other times, I want to hit the next person who says “families are forever”…
Where are you God?
…The complete wreckage of the last three years of my life flashed in my mind— Payson's 200+ seizures, his Dravet diagnosis, Kalea's unexpected death, the overwhelming grief, our rocky marriage. I coldly replied “Maybe I could use a little less blessings from the Lord right now.”
Out of the Abyss
We are gradually climbing out of the abyss.
Yesterday was David's birthday.
Without thinking, I asked David what his favorite part of last year had been. The moment I said it-- I regretted it. David's eyes immediately misted over…