Out of the Abyss
We are gradually climbing out of the abyss.
Yesterday was David's birthday.
Without thinking, I asked David what his favorite part of last year had been. The moment I said it-- I regretted it. David's eyes immediately misted over…
His Hands Make Whole
… There I was in the middle of my aftershocks, coping with grief, struggling with loss, and feeling like the very foundation of my marriage was cracking underneath my feet. And then I see this picture of my family…
Hallelujah, nevertheless.
At first, I had so much grace in accepting both Payson's epilepsy and Kalea's death. Now as time moves on-- I've started looking around and wondering why I've been hit SO HARD…
7 Songs I've Had on Repeat Through My Loss
I started listening to Christian music on my mission several years ago. I thought when I came home I'd go back to listening to my old music... but I never did. I couldn't…
131 Seizures Later
36 weeks pregnant and I’m sitting in a tiny hospital room with my toddler and husband trying to swallow what the neurologist had just told us. He was holding up the results from Payson's genetic panel…
Excerpt from my journal, Seizure 19
Nineteen. Today's number. Just a few minutes past 7am as I lay in bed, his 19th seizure started. This time, I wasn’t even surprised. I got up, put on my bathrobe, and rolled him on his side while he seized…
Payson's Birth Story Part 3: Birth Center
Of all the possible birth situations I had prepared myself for, I had never even considered the possibility of delivering my baby in the car…
Payson's Birth Story Part 2: Labor
After laying in bed for about two hours, it was obvious that early labor had started. I was excited out my mind! David and I had spent the last few months of pregnancy…
Payson's Birth Story Part 1: Due Date
Well mom. Don't even worry about coming to Utah, because I am never having this baby. I’m never going to wear skinny jeans or my wedding ring again…
To the person I was most scared of being criticized by
I was terrified to label myself as a photographer. I was terrified to even pick up the camera and try. What if people thought I was just “another girl with a camera”? What if they thought I was a wanna-be?
Expired Blessings & Payson’s Seizure
ONE MONTH AGO TODAY I was riding in the back of an ambulance dressed in my husbands clothes-- a pair of sweatpants at least four sizes too big for me and the first shirt of his that I happened to grab off the shelf. I had no makeup on…
In these small, still moments
In these small, still moments, I feel perfect peace. David’s goodbye kiss still on my lips, the gentle click as he closes our bedroom door, the sound of his footsteps fading down the hall…